03 Jan Who the F*&k does this!

All right so it is confession time!  Since I decided to take a leave of absence from my job, I have been terrifically terrified!  I finally admitted to myself and a few other people that I was a sinking ship and that I was simply not happy.  I was working too much, overcommitted socially and not taking enough time to really nurture myself.  These resulted in me being a closet ball of nerves with uncontrollable thoughts of not being good enough and a control freak. In other words, I was suffering from anxiety attacks and depression.

If I’m really honest, what I really wanted was a lifestyle without excessive deadlines, minimal social obligations and more freedom to explore my creative interests and more time for my family and friends.  I concluded that I could benefit from “a break”.  I needed a break from work, a break from social obligations and a break from striving for success goals that I set 25 years ago that I don’t want to achieve anymore.

So I took a “break”!  Here I am sitting in a villa in Bali, Indonesia visiting my girlfriend. I’ve been here for almost two weeks.  I’ve been having a lovely time meeting new people, learning to ride a motorbike and I’m writing more.  Sounds like I’m getting a taste of the lifestyle I want to me.

But there is a battle going on in my mind.  I have negative racing thoughts and questions almost daily that start like this:

What am I suppose to do today? This is not some extended vacation!  You should be responsible! You should be saving for your future! You should be working your plan!

Who the F*&k walks away from a six figure job with a company car? Are you crazy?

Who the F*&k sells a beautiful condo and most of their clothes and shoes to stay in hostels and unknown people’s houses?

Who the F*&K decides to travel as a solo woman?

Who the F*&k does this! Go get a job! Make a plan! Do something!

Then my more liberated self answers:

I DO THIS!  THAT’S WHO!So I need you to Breath, Calm down and have faith that you are ok.  You have got to shake this need to be busy and to be doing stuff all the time to feel good about yourself.  Your value is not in what you do, but in who you are!This is what YOU want to do.  This is who YOU want to be in this moment.  This is where YOU want to be. You are walking in the sunshine and having lunch under palm trees.  God has made a way for you to be here!

You do believe that God is working on your behalf. You are enough!  You are perfect in all of your imperfections.Don’t allow fear to steal your joy! You are living this thing called faith! Live it out!

I have a whole lot of scriptures in my mind from years of Bible Study and Sunday School.  However, the mental struggle is real.  I notice that when I do not take time to meditate on God’s scripture and say my daily affirmations the negative chatter can get loud and out of control. Not today SATAN! Not tadaaay!

I have to remind myself dailyof what I believe. Who I believe that I am and more importantly Who God says that I am.

What affirmations, scriptures, or inspirational quotes do you have to help combat the inner negative chatter?  If you don’t have any, visit the affirmations tab for a few of my favorites!

Below are seven things that I have committed to do to get rid of the negative self chatter in my mind: Maybe these will be helpful for you too!

1. Get Rid of the “Shoulds” in my life. Should is a dangerous word. The use of should in your self talk is a ginourmous flag that you may not be being your authentic self in that moment. (Yes, I know ginourmous is not a word, but I like it!)
2. Commit to daily prayer and meditation. Those reminders are necessary!
3. Just Breath! Whoo Saayeeh
4. Say yes to the still small voice that says “It is ok to put myself first! Then ask yourself, If you say yes to yourself is anybody gonna die? If the answer is no, then self goes first!
5. Share my thoughts! Be vulnerable with another person that I trust about my feelings. Sometimes, a reminder is needed that you are not alone!
6. Write out my priorities and dreams for easy reference. I need reminders of my yes’s to make my no’s easier. I say yes to figuring out what I really like and no to doing stuff out of fear of what other people are going to think…- That’s another post.
7. No more guilt and regrets for playtime!—Bye Bye guilt you cannot come to play or after.

P.S. I’m a Christian and sometimes I cuss! Mostly in my head though! “side eye”